TTC

Trying to have a baby sucks.

Whether it's just taking a long time or in my case: risking another after a tragic loss, TTC (trying to conceive...there are lots of acronyms in this world) is filled with worry, stress, impatience, calendars, temperatures, charting, too much information and...MEDICATION.

I don't even know how women trying IVF do it.  I'm just taking Clomid and I think I'm going crazy.  IVF medications and procedures are so much more costly, time consuming, stressful and side-effects prone.  Reason No #456 why I don't want to do IVF.  I'd never survive.

At first I thought I was so lucky...the 3 rounds of Clomid at the regular dose had almost no effect on me.  My Dr and I were both thrilled.  No down side!  But those rounds didn't work so we upped the ante with 3 rounds of a double dose.  At first I was just a little dizzy and I thought, no prob...I can handle this.  And it went away so I thought I was good. 

I just finished taking my second round at the double dose and lately I've been surprised at how hungry I am.  I mean, I can eat. But it's more than that...it's a ravenousness and feeling never satisfied.  After a couple of week of that unrelenting feeling I started thinking, maybe this is the Clomid!  Well after that door opened in my head I realized Clomid may also be to blame for other weirdness...namely, a deepening depression. 

Oh. My. Goodness. the depression.  I thought I was depressed after losing Jaxson.  But honestly? This has been worse.  While you grieve and mourn after a sudden loss it's a bit surreal and you feel sort of out of your body.  Not every emotion sinks down deep.  I was so anxious to try again and I was completely sure it would be easier for me to get pregnant a second time.

After 3 years and another loss the waiting gets to you.  And now I'm compounding the problem with medication trying to end the problem.  It's a lose-lose. 

I don't really even know why I'm writing this particular blog.  I guess I just want to open up this part of my heart...expose the part that would rather gloss over all this waiting and trying and telling people I'm doing OK when, in fact, I'm actually drowning.  I'm wandering deeper into the Dark Night of my Soul...I thought I'd been there 3 years ago.  This is worse.  The not knowing.  The hopelessness.  The misunderstandings.  The fear that this season will never be over.  The watching over and over as others welcome healthy, beautiful babies in their arms. 

Knowing this medication is to blame helps a little.  It explains a lot and fills in a few blanks.  Maybe I'm not crazy.  Maybe this too shall pass.  Maybe this will be the last round.  Maybe it'll be my turn next.  Maybe...

If you know other women who are TTC...please be patient with them.  Please don't spout platitudes or tell them to relax or to stop trying cuz then it'll just magically happen.  Please don't tell them to just adopt like that's a no-big-deal kind of decision.  Please don't tell them stories about how so-and-so took this weird plant extract and stood on her head for an hour every other day and that's how she got pregnant.  Please don't tell them it'll happen when it's the right time and now is not it.  None of it helps.  None of it. 

And please, please be patient with them, us, me.  That girl you know who is struggling to have a baby might be on a medication that makes her feel like a monster took over her body.  She might be in the middle of the biggest crisis of faith she's ever experienced.  She might be feeling crazy so she acts crazy.  Just go with it.  And love her anyway.