First Love

"Tell me when did I lose my first love?  Where did the fire and passion go?  Burn in me a holy fire.  Give me back my lost desire and restore in me the love I felt for you."   ~Avalon, First Love 1999

When you walk through a devastating loss there is real trauma caused.  With trauma comes debilitating fear and flashbacks called PTSD.  My counselor was the first person/resource to open my eyes to the possibility that losing Jaxson was a trauma and may well have come with symptoms of PTSD.

For those of you reading this who immediately just thought, "Well that's certainly an overreaction," I was with you for awhile.  Had the exact same thought.  Now I'm not so sure.

Trauma breaks something so deep down inside you that the depths of its effects might not come to light for some time.

I thought I wasn't naive.  I "knew" getting pregnant again would come with it's own set of challenges. I "knew" it wouldn't solve all my problems or fill that hole left in me by losing Jaxson and Kiwi.  I "knew" I'd experience new sets of fears.  I did NOT know it would surface some of those deep-seeded fears that were sown in trauma.  I did not know how deeply I would feel the fear of losing another.  I did not know how deeply I would question my faith in God's ability to carry us through these 9 months.  I did not know I would push Him away to protect my heart. I thought the joy of finally getting pregnant again would trump every other emotion.  It didn't.  It doesn't.

I've held God at arms-length just in case He breaks my heart again.  I uncover new anger at Him every day.  I cling even more tightly and futilely to what little control I have over this little life growing inside me.

Then today I decided I needed a little retreat to work through some of these emotions.  Repent.  Learn to trust again.  Worship.  Pray.

I stumbled upon a song in my worship book that was my undoing:

We've been crumbled, we've been crushed
City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We've been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

Only our God can repair this kind of brokenness.  Only our God forgives my level of faithlessness.  Only our God loves so unconditionally that he promises to build back the ruins left behind by our traumas.  What other God can I turn to?  Who gives the deep peace I need so badly?  Whose steady love rocks my fears to sleep and gently brushes them away?  Who orchestrates my songbook to flip to the one song that would meet me where my heart is at when I refused to open the pages of His Words to find Him there?  Why would he be so patient?  So kind?  So gentle with my failures?  Because He loves with a love that no human can understand.  I need only to take His word for it.  And one day at a time to let Him prove that no matter where this life leads He promises NEVER to leave me or forsake me...especially when I need him the most.