New Year

Have you ever felt like the world is watching the worst version of yourself play out?

It reminds me of a Friends episode (there is a Friends episode for every situation in life) where Ross makes a list of pros and cons for 2 girls he likes in order to decide who he wants to be with.  He starts with the list of cons Rachel has and even though his one con for Julie is that she isn't Rachel, when Rachel finds out about the list of her worst traits she says, " Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you."

While I'm not aware that anyone currently has a list of my worst traits and is using them to stay away from me (although I wouldn't really blame them) I can relate to the emotion of that episode...I feel like I have been my very worst self for so long I can't remember when I last felt like I was walking out a life I was really proud of.  And I know that there are truly wonderful people around me, my husband, daughter, sister, mom, bestie, etc, who are putting up with a very angry, miserable person...and they are saints in my opinion for doing so. 


Looking back, I don't even know how I've gotten to this point.  How does a person go from being a relatively lively, positive, passionate person in her early 20's to a pessimistic, fatalistic, angry person in her late 30's? I could blame losing Jax, years of infertility, toxic relationships/jobs, or any number of other excuses but honestly they would be just that: excuses. 

Life happens and it's full of disappointments, loss, stress and hurt.  There is nothing especially worse about my life/circumstances than anyone else...and countless people prove every day they can exist alongside hellish circumstances and do it with joy and peace.  I simply haven't made choices to do the same.  Instead, I've spent hours of my life and thousands of dollars on therapy, medications, television, food, addictions, shopping, ANYTHING to dull my senses.

I've wasted years retreating from anything uncomfortable, defending my "right" to feel betrayed or wronged, excusing childish behavior, and generally spiraling into a never-ending frustration that my life isn't what I want it to be.  Which is dumb because on the surface my life is exactly how I want it.  I have a wonderful husband, a miracle daughter I prayed years for, a move back to my beloved city, a good job in the field I know, and proximity to fun stuff, family and friends I've wanted to be nearer to for years.

But underneath I go minute by minute through days where I'm downright impatient and angry.  Somewhere along the way I found it unacceptable to not get my own way.  Whether it's the driver in front of me who won't go faster, the client who doesn't respond to emails fast enough, my brother-in-law's job that took their family out of town for a month, the unexpected bill, the unpredictable subbing schedule...and on and on it goes.  Write a blank space and insert whatever daily, common occurrence that is bothersome or unplanned.  And for some reason I am inconsolable.  Only happy when everything goes as planned. Only peaceful when there are no disruptions.  Only joyful when I land on the smooth, winning side.  And on what planet does this ever happen? 

I'm so ashamed to admit it's gotten this bad...that I've let it get this far.  That I am THIS selfish and irrational. There is absolutely NONE of God's Spirit in this.  There is NO fruit from living this way.  I am FAR from the things I once thought I was running after: living like a Woman of God. Following the Spirit. Seeing fruit in my life. Spreading the fragrance of Christ wherever I go.  It's laughable.

Before I spiral into self hatred...remember I am someone who processes out loud and through writing/journaling.  Normally this material would be the kind of stuff I would write privately in a journal for only my eyes to see...and I do not share it here begging for attention.  My sister told me last night I was far too hard on myself...and she is right.  I have always held myself to an impossible standard of perfection and that is not godly either.  I find grace extremely hard to extend to others so obviously extending grace to myself is even harder to me to do.  No, I write it here because I liken it to public baptism.  Sometimes you have to expose the brutal truth and admit out loud that you see it in yourself and you're calling it out in yourself.  Sometimes you have to stand up and tell everyone enough is enough and it's time for a change...and saying it out loud makes it more real.  It draws the kind of attention to the change so you're less likely to pretend later you didn't say it.  I could write this in a journal, close the pages and walk away doing nothing to turn my life around.  I don't want that. 

The video at the top of this post is a JJ Heller song I found a few days ago that was really a catalyst for this introspection.  Here are the lyrics:

This year
I'm not looking back to who I was
Because I'm gonna be someone I've never been
This year
I'm not focused on the cracks in the walls
Not keeping track of all the times I fall
This year

So long to the last year
It's all becoming so clear
There's no use living in regret
Let's fight the good fight
Train our eyes to find the light
And make this year the best one yet
Starting right here. Happy New Year!

This year
I can't wait to see what good will come
To feel alive instead of feeling numb
This year
I plan on thinking less of I and me
I resolve to thing of us and we
This year

So long to the last year
It's all becoming so clear
There's no use living in regret
Let's fight the good fight
Train our eyes to find the light
And make this year the best one yet
Starting right here.
Happy New Year, Happy New Year!

I miss that 20-something girl who was out to change the world. She was passionate about telling teenagers they had value.  She could spend hours in worship, lost in God's tangible presence. She was going to devote her life to ministry in some way.  She loudly laughed unapologetically.  She cared far less what people thought of her than her 38-year old counterpart does.  It was pretty easy for her to be silly and thoughtful.  It didn't take the work it feels like it takes now. She was a lot quicker to forgive. She wanted to make a difference in people...she wanted to show them Jesus. She was less cynical, less sarcastic and a lot less foul-mouthed.

Something pure and innocent in us takes a hit as we get older. I guess I'm grieving what that younger me thought life was.  She was naive.  She wasn't perfect: she was judgy and full of weird religious stuff that needed to be dropped.  But she wasn't entirely wrong.  She knew God was good.  She believed He forgave and restored and she told people He did.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24 

I don't want to go back and be that 20-something self again.  No, I want to be the 38-year old self that God has called me to be...and who I've been is not it.  What life has thrown at me over the last 2 decades has purpose but I've not stewarded it well.  That is really what I want to change...how I respond to this life.  It will unfold as it does...often without my input first.  I'm tired of acting like a victim of it.  That is not how a Godly woman acts.  As Robin Jones Gunn puts it: I am a victim of Grace.  God's sweet, pure, loving grace.  And those around me should be able to see more than just a smidgen of that if I say I am His.  A million things about God and His church have changed in me over the years but that has not: I AM HIS.  Time to act like it.