O Night Divine

A year ago we were finding out the little bump I showed was a little girl growing.  Now that peanut is a giggly, chatty, sassy 7 month old.  Our Christmas miracle.

As I write this she is rolling around on the quilt Nana and Papa made her surrounded by toys passed down from her twin cousins.  On her tummy she constantly taps her foot like she's contemplating something.  Probably how exactly to get the tabby-thingies off the toy.  A cat walks by and she lets loose a squeal several octaves higher than humans can generally hear.  Even though her voice is generally in the lower range, she can screech with the best of them.  Once she gets a little sleepier I'll put her in her swing and she will turn her head to stare at the lights on the Christmas tree next to her.  She'll get really quiet and if I could lay a soundtrack down to the scene before me it would be O Holy Night.

 

I digress into weepy sentimentalism.  In truth, while being our Christmas miracle, she's also either in a sleep regression and/or a big growth spurt because she isn't giving me much sleep these days.  She's also coming with me to work 2 days a week for the full day now due to Dad's new shift.  We're getting through it (she refuses to nap for me) thanks to the high chair I brought in and placed in front of the big picture window.  She watches all the people go by and happily kicks her legs while gnawing on a toy.  With 2 bottom teeth popped through, everything goes in her mouth and watch out for fingers...she can bite hard!

She quite a bit more mobile and upright too.  She rolls consistently and can get across the floor much faster than I anticipated.  She LOVES, LOVES, LOVES to bounce: on someone's knee, standing up on your lap, in a floor bouncer toy, in a johnny jumper...anywhere.  She likes her high chair and her bouncy chair because now those 2 things mean food: oatmeal cereal, squash, peas and sweet potatoes are a hit.  Carrots were met with a lot of "meh."  I've tried my hand at making food too and it's been very successful! Plug for a cool baby contraption that no one needs but is super cool anyway: Infantino Food Storage squeezable baggies and matching spoons.  Very. Cool.

Our girl is SO Happy.  She giggles and squeals easily and for no reason at all.  She grins at strangers and has found her voice at home: super loud cawing like a parrot.  Hilarious. Of course, she is strongly encouraged by her father to mimic his sounds and loud squawking is his specialty.

We're encouraging her to entertain her social side (I doubt she will be shy)...we've been on several road trips, we have a weekly new-moms-first-baby coffee group (Mr Noah has a crush on her...super cute because he's a younger man), we've left her with a couple of babysitters already and she charms everyone she meets...especially our ever-growing list of grandma's from church and Bible Study as well as self-proclaimed Grandpa Rocky who can get a bit distracted by her at the office.  Most importantly, we went on our first family vacation in early December to the Oregon Coast.  She didn't seem interested in the sea lions but I think she liked the ocean :)

Well, Merry Christmas from our family to yours...and if I neglected to send you a copy of our Christmas card just know that it's this picture with a loving "Bah Humbug from Olivia" on the bottom.  xoxo

6 months!

This is the face I'm admiring today:

Leaves me breathless.  Today we are halfway through that marathon 1st year when practically EVERYTHING happens.  I cannot believe how fast this is going!

Those cheeks are just irresistible! 

We have a full-fledged giggler on our hands.  Such a happy girl, it's so easy to make her laugh and get her to respond to us.  She's starting to mimic sounds and even "growls" at daddy.  She recognizes us and visibly responds when we walk in the room...squirming and chittering and giving wide grins when she sees us. 

She's a little jumperoo now too.  If she's on your knee better get ready to hold her FOREVER while she bronco rides back and forth :D  Had to get a jonny jumper to save our tired arms and legs!  She bounce, bounce, bounces like Tigger now!  Ken calls her his little cowgirl and credits lots of country music in the house lately for influencing her.

She can FINALLY roll over from her tummy to her back and her back to her tummy.  Stubborn lil critter!  She just wouldn't put her arms down!  But she figured it out and now tummy time is more fun for her and us. 

She recognizes the kitties now too which is hilarious.  If you didn't see the video of her squealing at Phoebe, I'll send it to you...poor Pheebs...as Ken's aunt commented, kitty doesn't know that squeal is going to follow her soon once she gets moving!  Zoey is still staying far away but Phoebe just can't help herself.  I see scratches in everyone's future. 

I need to give mad props to this punkin.  She is a great traveler!  We flew to Boise alone, went on a girls overnight trip to Wenatchee, Blossom Retreat, the Tri-Cities...for living at the end of the world, she's seemed to figure out we have to be OK in our car seat for hours at a time.  She keeps it together pretty well...but there's no place like home. It's adorable to see how well she sleeps once she's back in her own bed in her own room.  She even snores a little.  *squeal!*

So we've started trying solid foods...the rice cereal we tried first was NO BUENO.  That face.  Oh gosh, it was like I was poisoning her!  Oatmeal cereal has gone over much better.  Sweet potato has been OK too.  I'm already teasing Ken that peas are on the list and he cannot feed them to her with a clothespin on his nose...now who's the baby?

We've given up on breastfeeding due to her milk/soy allergy and while it's not my first choice, formula is infinitely easier.  oh well....she's a happier camper with her tummy not hurting, of course!

With the holidays coming, I look forward to seeing everything through her eyes this year.  I can't believe I'm so lucky.  How did we get here?  A beautiful baby getting bigger by the day, blessing our lives and making us so happy.  Next, crawling, walking, talking?  EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Rejoice in Hope

How is it possible she is this big already?

5 months next week.

5 months that our world has been happier, sleepier, funnier, and more full of love than ever before.  This girl fills our lives so completely I have no idea what we did with ourselves before she got here.

A wiggle-monster...this girl is ready to MOVE.  At a certain point she wiggles so much you know she just wants to be on her back so she can KICK!  She can roll from her back to her tummy but she can't go from her tummy to her back.  She's got such a strong neck and back she just arches like Superman on her stomach and never puts her arms down for support.  Queue screaming after a few minutes because that's got to make your back ache! 

Her very favorite thing is to swing on the front or back yard swings.  She can sit on your lap swaying quietly forever as long as it's light enough to watch squirrels, trees, the kitties, pretty much anything that moves. 

She's a big girl now who sleeps in her own crib!  Mom has to check to make sure she's breathing more now that she's not next to her bed especially because the video monitor doesn't show her tummy moving very easily...but the sleep is more restful for everyone in general.  She's a FABULOUS sleeper!  Got her mom's genes there!  She can sleep 8 hours straight on days she gets stubborn and won't nap much. 

We discovered about a month ago that what we thought was a typical and fairly common milk allergy is really something called FPIES: food protein induced endocolitis syndrome...translation: milk and soy and all their millions of names make her guts really mad.  She was switched to formula and mom cried at the immediate stop of breastfeeding.  But the formula cleared up ALL symptoms and if we thought she was a happy baby before...WOW, she's a REALLY happy baby now!  Poor pumpkin!  We had no idea how much pain she had been in!  She sees a pediatric GI specialist next week to make 100% sure her guts are OK before exploring the idea of breastfeeding again but that means mom has to stick to a pretty ca-razy diet!  Oh well...solid foods are starting SOON! :)

She's SO my daughter by the noise she makes.  Girlfren is a chatterbox!  She will entertain herself in the morning if I'm not up yet and will make your day by the grin she'll give you when you walk in the room.  She's easy to play with and laughs often.  Dad can really get her giggle going too...he's so silly!  What a pair they are...my FAVORITE thing is watching them together.

This motherhood thing is so much better than I ever imagined.  Liv is at such a fun age I just soak her in every day.  Her quirks and personality shine through and it's such a blast being her mom.

Next month she and I will travel to Sun Mountain Lodge for Blossom Ministries' annual retreat where I have spoken for years of losing Jaxson and waiting for a baby...now the embodiment of our hope for a family, I can't wait to introduce her to our extended Blossom Family during this year's theme: Hope as an Anchor.  God is so good!

11 Weeks...Oh My!

My punk-a-do is 11 weeks old tomorrow morning.

Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa????

This girl is growing FAST! She can hold her head up pretty well on her own.  She does NOT like tummy time.  She loves to kick her legs and flail her arms when she is both excited and very mad.  She has a strange happiness equated with changing her diaper...seriously.  She can finish eating and immediately start crying (dunno what that is about) but as soon as I lay her down on her changing table she starts grinning and blowing bubbles through her lips.  It's certainly a strange go-to these days when she's really upset.  oooookaaaaaaaaay. whatever girlfren.

HELLO with the cuteness kitty booties!

I've been sleeping on the couch for over a month now because the most efficient way to get her to fall asleep at night is in her swing.  I set her off and about a half-hour later I can take her out to lay her on her back but I usually don't make it to her bassinet in our room before she wakes up again so it's a blanket on the floor next to the swing instead...we just chill out there in the living room with the added bonus of not waking Dad up from sleep in our 3am feeding.

Lil Bit is going to work with me a couple of days a week...one full day while Dad works day shift and just for the morning the other day.  Then I take her home around lunchtime and she spends the afternoon with her daddy.  She will take a bottle pretty well from him but only if Mom isn't home and ONLY if the milk is room temperature.  gaaaaaaaah.  But it gives me a fabulous afternoon of freedom that I look forward to because Lord knows I get next to nothing done at work with her there...my boss is AMAZING about letting her come in with me and he gets all Grandpa around her and annoyed when she doesn't come with but a crying baby is not very fun when answering the phone or trying to pump out a contract under the gun.

She is sleeping like a CHAMP!  She'll give me a 4-5 hour stretch at night, then another 3ish after an early morning feeding.  I {heart} her for this luxury SO VERY MUCH!  But during the day she is an eating machine.  She is demanding food about every 1.5-2 hours for the past 3 weeks and counting.  I see no end in sight,  At least it's not 24 hours a day but honestly it's driving me nuts.  Clearly she loves her food as much as her parents do.  I wanna eat that often.

She's a pretty good traveler, this girl.  We've been on a day trip to Wentchee, Sunnyside and Canada twice plus a bunch of trips to Omak.  We should be headed to Spokane soon, Sunnyside again and Boise in September.

I cannot believe how full my heart is with this Lovey.  Ken and I are obviously obsessed with her.  Her sassy personality is already coming through and will probably end up being a spitfire just like her momma although she still resembles her daddy to every single person who meets her.  We don't see it.  Seriously, we don't.  Babies look like babies.  But it's a compliment, I know.  I mean, I married a hottie... amiright?

 

Living Hope

Sleeping peacefully in the other room is a 20 day old baby.  She has dark hair and a dimple in her right cheek from her daddy.  She is chatty when awake like her momma.  So far she does not care for baths and can spit her pacifier what seems like several feet if she isn't in the mood for it.  She grins in her sleep and likes to discuss the events of the day from about 10pm-1am nightly.  All of her newborn diapers, onesies and sleepers are too big for her but we make it work...however, she is not thrilled with layettes because the elastic at the bottom is very frustrating when being pulled over her head.  She is quite possibly the most popular baby in the Pacific Northwest and is relishing all the attention that goes with that honor.  Her mother is officially banned from running any more errands around town without her.  Her father is in full-blown protection mode and has threatened to up his quota of speeding tickets in town now that his precious cargo is out and about...you've been warned.  Friends and family adore her, the cats ignore her and I have never been happier in my whole life.

I couldn't believe my ears when Dr Lacey stated nearly 3 weeks ago that I was being induced...she's coming?  Like...NOW?  Today?  Well, technically early the next morning...and suddenly there she was.  Wriggling and perfect.  A hard and fast labor with no time for an epidural when the hell hit. OHMYGOSH nothing prepares you for that kind of pain.  I think I was traumatized for a couple days.  And yet, just as everyone says, it's so worth it.  And I'd do it again to get her here.  By day 3 I'd forgotten the madness of labor and was floating on Cloud 9.  God bless antidepressants, support and prayer because I'm sure I'm prone to baby blues but currently I feel absolutely amazing and I'm so thankful not to be battling that at the moment.

Thanks to two amazing friends and a really great boss I'm off work until sometime in June (I'm purposely being vague about a return date) and when I do go back I get to bring Liv with me to the office.  She already has a pack 'n' play waiting for her there and I think she'll be flexible with me to make that work.

For the time being it's nice to have dinner brought to us while we settle into 2-3 hour feedings, lots of diapers, short bouts of fussing and lots of cuddles.  She is a very happy baby who only gets mad in the tub, when she's been up for 3 hours or I'm running late with a feeding (mo-om!  you're 5 minutes late!)

I can't stop staring at her.  She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.  She's my miracle; my answer to prayer; the long-awaited member of our family.  She is Olivia Hope.  Liv for short.  Live Hope.  My life lesson over the past 6 years.  6 years of trying to build a family wrought with heartache, grief, and much waiting.  And she is SO worth the wait.

Trust steadily in God.  Hope unswervingly.  Love extravagantly.  

Corinthians 13:13 The Message

Um...it's about to get real up in here

um.  I could be having a baby in roughly 19 days.  Could.  As in...it's totally possible. um.  omg.

Now when people ask me when I'm due I think I'm going to start saying 3-6 weeks.  I have an appointment Tuesday with the Dr who is hopefully going to reverse my surgery here in Tonasket so I don't have to go back to Spokane to do that.  Reversal is the last week of April.  Liv could arrive shortly after.

Or she could TOTALLY be my child and take another 2-3 weeks just to drive us all nuts. sigh.

Last weekend Ken and I drove down to the Tri-Cities where I met up with my momma, sister, and 2 besties from Boise who brought me long-distance baby shower loves from my friends and family in Idaho.  We had beautiful adjoining rooms overlooking the river, ate luxurious lemon-raspberry cupcakes, (Roo...you outdid yourself once again...AND they didn't make my blood sugar spike! magic!)  and took maternity pictures at the park on the river during one of the most gorgeous days all year (Chay...your photographic eye was spot on as per usual!).  Liv kicked for Auntie Jenn but snubbed both my mom and bestie.  of course.  It was so fun to be spoiled by my Idaho family and I just want to say, Manda, Chay, and Jenn...you guys did an amazing job organizing and packing up the joy and fun of a shower and making it happen on my turf so I didn't have to travel all the way home.  As much as I wished I could go to Boise it just wasn't in the cards.  I love you guys endlessly.
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After those shenanigans we stayed with Ken's mom Saturday night and Sunday Ken's fabulous cousin, Janice, hosted another baby shower for us in her backyard with lots of help from Dorothy, Diane and Sarah and, of course, the incomparable Tami Lynn...that girl can throw a par-tay!  So much fun to be surrounded by Ken's side of our wonderful family and some fabulous friends thrown in for good measure (Hi Sarah!!!) Yummy treats, super cute decorations, cake and fun games (seriously...guessing baby food, Tami?  It's impossible if the answer is pears, zucchini and corn!  Who mixes those together?)  And...the pile. of. gifts.  I can't even.

Ken and I are so overwhelmed.  When we lost Jax we felt like everyone around us grieved him too.  We were not alone in our loss. And now we are not alone in our celebration.  We feel suffocated ( in a GOOD way!) by the celebration of our precious miracle!  Everyone who has mourned with us, prayed for us, and encouraged us, is now celebrating with us and we can't be more grateful. 

Your love is lavished on us in emotional, spiritual AND tangible ways.  Your generosity is so amazing and so appreciated. 

So here we are...a few short weeks from the arrival of our long awaited and long prayed for miracle.  I can't believe she's almost here.  And during my favorite time of the year, too!  We unpacked her stroller and car seat the other day and while neither Ken nor I is certain of how the car seat snaps into the stroller (Bridgette...I need lessons, dearest) I can't wait to take her out and show her off!

Found this at my pharmacy this morning.  Pretty much sums it up.  God is so good.

He is so good

photo @cherishadrea (Instagram)

"I’m ashamed to say that even after all God had done, I still spent many evenings worrying."  Natasha Metzler

Ditto, girlfriend.  Ditto.

I was recently reading a series of posts by a blogger I love- you can find her here:  www.natashametzler.com - and she was relaying God's goodness in a particularly trying season of their lives trying to adopt and build a house at the same time.  How God provided for them was completely miraculous but she admitted even the big miracles weren't enough to settle her worries.

I know the feeling.  The fact is, God has come through with some seriously huge miracles in trying to build our own family.  Even now, I'm celebrating making it to 28 weeks today!  Viability!  The start of my 3rd trimester!  And even staring those miracles in the mirror each morning doesn't stop me from fearing that he isn't finishing this journey with me.

WHAAAAAT???  How am I still so pitifully faithless?

"You’d think I’d believe by then, wouldn’t you? You’d think that I would have just charged ahead...God had this, y’all! He did. But I still struggled to believe.  So God just kept showing up."  Natasha Metzler

Oh how our wonderful God diligently shows up in our faithlessness to reinforce his goodness and whisper his love over us time and time again.

Every single step of this pregnancy I have plenty to worry about.  More than enough to consume my heart and blind me from God's goodness.  I'm entirely capable of blocking out his provision looking instead at all the darkness that "could" overtake me. 

The  what-ifs.  The statistics.  The horror stories people insist on sharing.  The compounding terror.  It consumes, smothers, overwhelms, suffocates.  Kills.  It kills whatever little faith I can muster.

Oh, God.  I'm drowning here!  He knows.  He didn't want me to choose this path.  He tried to keep me from it and I ignored him.

And still he gives.  Still he meets my needs.  He shows up and calms my fears. Through his Word.  In the stillness of the night.  Through worship lyrics that shuffle on my ipod.  Through others:  A note in the mail.  A surprise visit.  A small gift.  A kind gesture. A text.  A Facebook comic.  A back rub from my hubby.  An offer to make us dinner.

And I'm humbled.  Brought back to a simple place where friends become family and family reaches across miles to send love and encouragement.  Reminding me that I. AM. NOT. ALONE. It's not too much. It's not too long.  It's not too far.  We. Will. Make. It. 

"I think that was when I first started to actually believe. So like Thomas, I had to see the evidence before finding confidence."  Natasha Metzler

Oh ye of little faith.  ye=me.

Forgive me, Jesus.  I haven't let you shine in me.  I've let the enemy overwhelm me because I've listened to his lies. I can't walk this road without you...you've watched me try.  Let's start again.

"And this is the God I serve. When I’m probably breaking His heart with my faithlessness, He gives me gifts. He whispers, “I know you’re scared. I know you’re afraid. But I’ve got this.”"  Natasha Metzler

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."  Zephaniah 3:17 NLT