I got this

Ken and I recently had an opportunity come up that was a win-win regardless of which way it ended up going.

How rare is that?!

Usually when a potential change comes my way I have a decidedly specific outcome that I desire.  I can't even muster up must creativity to envision an outcome that deviates even slightly from what I want to happen.

And so my prayers end up looking something like this: "Lord, please make (THIS ONE SPECIFIC THING) happen in this (EXACT) way. Amen."

How often does that actually happen?!

sigh.

Good thing God always knows what is really best for me and ignores me when I beg for whatever delights my fancy at that moment. 

This particular situation I found incredibly refreshing, though.  I really didn't have a preference for a particular outcome.  I could see very good things coming from it happening with a few downfalls that are to be expected and I could see incredibly good things from the alternative with a couple disappointments thrown in.  Either way the outcome was far from perfect but still a cool change and worth pursuing.

So instead of having a carefully-worded prayer ready to repeat over and over and over and over again, I felt nothing but peace over whatever God had planned.  He knows.  He can see into our future and know what we would need and when we would need it.  He knows what kinds of change we can handle right now and which ones we can't.  He knows what will fulfill us and provide for us.

Either way we can't lose.

GOSH!  Why don't I ALWAYS look at my life like that?  In this particular set of circumstances I found it so easy to just rest and let God decide what to do.  He would make the right door open or close depending on his plan.  I didn't really care which way it went.  Why don't I always feel that way?  Do you know how much stress I could save myself if I approached every day like this?  "OK, God.  Do your thing." 

When we lost Jaxson, my Kindred Spirit Tami told me that she was arguing with God over what had happened (I really love that she took on the Almighty God over our loss...she always has my back) and she told me that in the middle of her rant with Him, He told her very clearly, "I got this." 

And lately those words have been echoing in my spirit over and over.  He's got this.  He's got us.  He's got me.  And everything little thing is going to be OK.

Time Out

I need a break.

I'm walking away.

I'm pulling the plug.

I need a time out.  From my life.

Well, from parts of my life.

A time out from the obsession for a white mocha every single morning.

A time out from Facebook.

A time out from following certain boards on Pinterest.

A time out from bullying myself.

A time out from emailed devotionals.

A time out from certain influences.

I need a break from conversations that aren't uplifting.  I need a break from the running commentary in my head that always tells me how I'm not measuring up.  I need to walk away from the influx of other people's celebrations when I'm still in mourning.

I'm not in a good place for all the doors and windows of my heart to be open.  So I'm shutting some of them up.  It's not personal.  It's not because you said something or didn't say something.  It's not you.

It's me.

I'll be back someday.

For now: peace out.

Hope Springs

Have I mentioned lately how much I love author Robin Jones Gunn?  If I haven't, you haven't been chatting with me this summer.  I just LOVE how she writes.  One of my best friends gave me her new devotional Take Flight for my birthday last year and it helped me through an especially difficult season.  Then she released a fantastic book this winter called Victim of Grace...READ IT!  READ IT, READ IT, READ IT!!! It's so completely fabulous I cannot EVEN tell you!!

I just finished Victim of Grace this morning during my quiet time and she finishes telling a story about her daughter that she starts at the beginning of the book.  She starts by talking about their house hunting days in Portland years ago.  Their daughter, about age 5 at the time, asks her parents if they can buy a house with a gazebo in the front yard!  Like most parents, Robin and her husband are understandably hesitant to promise something like that!  The little girls gets the standard reply of my childhood:  "we'll see."  Which usually means, "dream on."

sigh.

As they tour one particular house in a developing neighborhood the little girl asks which room is going to be hers and as the group looks out the window of that particular room, their Realtor explains that a new park is going in across the street.  Not only a new park but in the view of that very window a gazebo is going up!  A gazebo!  Shocked, Robin and her husband had not mentioned the gazebo to the Realtor but their daughter seems unfazed, "Of course there is.  I told you there would be a gazebo."

Robin goes on to muse about the little dream in her daughters heart.  Did God decide to grant the little wish in her heart just to show her how much he loves her?  Or perhaps even deeper, did he put the desire in her in the first place to even WANT the gazebo so that what he fulfilled that dream she would know that God cares not only about our dreams but that the things we dream of, in fact, come directly form his heart in the first place??!!

I know... it hurt my head a little too.

So as she is wrapping up her stories near the end of the book she talks about how their family felt that it was time to sell their home and move out of the Portland area.  But they loved it there so much and did not have a clear idea of where they were heading so they did not end up listing their home for about a year and a half.

In that time, their daughter was living in southern California and met a young  man who she wanted her family to meet.  The night before they signed the papers to finally sell their house they had one last dinner party at home and met the young man she brought home.  After dinner he asked her to go for a walk with him and they ran across the street in the rain to the gazebo where he whispered his intentions for their future relationship...(SPOILER: they did ultimately get married!!)

The next day as they met with the same Realtor who sold them their home so many years earlier, Robin told the story of their daughter and her new boyfriend in the gazebo.  The Realtor sat stunned: "No wonder you didn't end up putting your house on the market a year and a half ago! God was waiting for that moment where your daughters hopes and dreams for a godly man would culminate in the same dream gazebo she knew her Heavenly Father had given to her as a little girl."

Call me flowery or fanciful but I believe in a God who cares about details...I believe in a God who not only cares about the wishes and dreams in my heart, but I also believe in a God who plants those hopes and dreams deep in my heart in the first place.  I believe that the things that I tuck down deep in my spirit...that I cry over and dream over and lose sleep over are the very things that God give me to hope for in the first place.  And I believe that the very same God who gives me the impossible dream I dare to ask him to fulfill can, in fact, make something out of nothing to make it come to pass.